INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE

Romantic marriage is a choice while a traumatic and problematic marriage is also a choice. It can be about what you are doing or what you fail to do.

We all got married with the expectation to be happy. We have a lot of expectations and dreams. We look forward with a new life and a great future with the person we married. Unfortunately many people will never achieve this because they do go into marriage selfishly with the aim of getting someone to meet all their needs. Result- they are disappointed and bittered because:

a.      Nobody can meet all your needs, only God can do that.

b.      Your needs can never be met if you are a “needy” spouse instead of a “giving” one.

The best way to get your needs met in your marriage is by applying what I call the law of indispensability “Do for your spouse what no one can ever do for him or her”.

We generally have three kinds of needs in marriage

 

JOINT NEEDS

     Unconditional love: the number one need in a relationship is to be loved unconditionally. To be loved unconditionally is to be accepted the way we are and to be valued. We all want to be received no matter what, unconditional love says “I will stay with you no matter what, I will always love you, I will affirm and support you”. Love your spouse unconditionally; it will have a positive bounce back on your marriage.

     Friendship: we all want somebody to be friendly with us. We want somebody that we can also tell our innermost secret. Someone we can confide in, somebody that will praise, appreciate and acknowledge us. If you want your spouse to become your friend; show love, listen, praise and commend. You won’t need to beg before your spouse will respond to become your friend.

     Encouragement: Both wives and husbands wants to be encouraged, they look for someone that will motivate them, somebody that will lift up their feeble hands. Do it for your spouse, don’t join the pity party, become his/her number one encourager and motivator per excellence. Husbands and wives should be ready to serve each other and make meeting the needs of each other a top priority.

HER NEEDS

Great husbands are men that meet the needs of their wives greatly. They know what their wives needs and do everything within their power to meet them. Have you ever been asking yourself, what does she want? How can I make this woman I married happy? Check out the following:

a.Attention and affection: these are number one things she needs from you, she wants you around her, and she wants you to show her love. This you can do, by doing the following:

·        Spend time with her: create time to be with her, make her your priority, date her, and be with her.

·        Talk with her: don’t just be with her watching, television, reading newspaper and browsing the internet. Spend time talking to her, talk to her about your plan, Islam, your joy, job, vision, your love for her, your children and everything. I mean everything.

·        Listen to her: of course you don’t just do the talking alone, listen to her too. In fact, most wives want to be listened to. Let her pour her heart to you, let her talk, enter into her world and let her enjoy your company; you are the only man for her. Make her days.

·        Touch her: Don’t just be with or talk to her, giving your attention means touching her, the way she wants. Hold her hands, let her place her head on your laps which is what it means to show her affection.

·        Provision: meet her material and financial needs. Put conducive house in place; get her good wears, shoes, and bags (etc). As much as it is within your power to do it, satisfy your wife. That is what it takes to be a real man, if you want her to call you HONEY; give her MONEY.

·        Protection: one important thing she wants you to do for her is to protect her, she wants to lean on you, she wants you to be her source of security and stronghold. Please go ahead and protect her from yourself, never assault her, do not beat or punish her and let her feel safe with you. Assure her of your love and fidelity; never give her room to doubt your love or faithfulness. Protect her from your family and friends; never allow them to molest her. Make sure they give her honor that is due to her.

       Make her your prayer focus. Always pray for her protection.

b.      Domestic Support: Please give her every domestic support within your means. Help her with the baby, note if she is a nursing mother, you are a nursing father, child rearing should be jointly done, helping with house chores. Give her helping hand, flush the toilet after use, help mob the floor, and take the children out so that she can rest for some hour. Do you really love her? If yes, then show it, not just by buying cards and flowers; demonstrate it by giving a helping hand in the kitchen.

c.       Romance: Your wife want romance just the way you want sex, a great marriage is not a dream, it is a choice, meeting your wife’s love and romance need is not a choice it is a must. If you can focus meeting her romantic needs, you will be surprised the way she will meet your sexual needs. Meeting her romance needs involves the following:

·        Affirmation; keep on telling her “I love you” she can never be tired of hearing that, please don’t grow too old to say it, tell her over and over again, she enjoys it.

·        Touching: hug her, massage her body, her face, thigh, back, tummy, and touch her lovingly.

·        Playing: play with her, be her play mate whenever you are with her, don’t be an executive or traditional husband. Be a lover, be a play mate, be a friend and meet her need for companionship the way nobody can do it for her. 

       

HIS NEEDS

These are the major needs of your husband, take time to meet them:

a.      Respect: To be respected by their wives is one of the major needs of men, God knows this when he commanded women to reverence (respect) her husband. Respect your husband in your act and attitude, in your words and the way you are relating with him.

b.      Domestic satisfaction: All men want to be satisfied at home, this you can do by making the house clean and neat, prepare good and timely food for him. Becoming a good wife is not a choice for a woman that must win her husband. The road to a man is through the kitchen door.

c.       Fulfilling sex: sex is one thing your husband will continue to desire; he will always want more of it. He is passionate about it; you will not do yourself any good if you fail to acknowledge this. Note that increasing the frequency of sex in your marriage alone will not give your husband a fulfilling sex, getting him to enjoy sex with you involves the following:

·        Excitement: He wants you to be excited about sex; he wants a fun filled sex, not the one that will look as if he is punishing you. So get excited about it.

·        Invitation: He is dreaming of the day you will begin to invite him to come and sleep with you, this you can do directly or indirectly.

·        Involvement: he wants you to be involved, from foreplay to afterglow; don’t make it his show alone, with you just lying down there like a log of wood. Get involved, if he touches you, touch him, if he moves into you, move into him too, and roll. Turn, jerk and all means be involved and make his day.

·        Improvement: he wants you to improve, learn new things by asking him and by reading good books.

·        Communication: He wants you to communicate with him as he sleep with you, tell him what you want, how you feel and what you want him to do. Also appreciate him when he is doing the right thing.

·        Creativity: he doesn’t want sex just the same way; he wants you to suggest new styles and techniques. He wants the venue to be changed, he doesn’t want only missionary style (man on top), he wants you to be on top at times and allow some other styles. You cannot be a good wife if you are a bedroom failure.

d.      Good outlook: men (your husband inclusive) are moved by what they see; hence, you must look good for the man you married. No matter your schedule, no matter how busy you are; you must keep an eye on your outlook. Remember it is good to look good. Your husband is the only one that has the right to see all part of your body so when you are with him; you must be fashionable, you must be presentable, you cannot afford not to be inviting.

  

      If both partners can make meeting each other’s needs a priority, their marriage will become a wonderful one, hot and sizzling and an intimate one.